1001 movies you must see before you die – Abre los Ojos (1997)

If anyone wonders Abre los Ojos means Open your eyes.

So alright, this is a spanish movie made by the apperently fameous spanish directore Alejandro Amenebar wich they remade 4 friggin years later, put Tom “Idiot” Cruise in it and called it Vanilla Sky. My question is: Why the mothershit did they do that?! Probably because Amerinoobs can’t read -.-
So alright anyway. The purpose of the movie is apperently to make a science fiction movie without actually ever seeing the science part. It’s like those old violent plays where actually all they did was to talk about the violence. But alright, lets cut to the cheese or whatever. Our protoganist Cesar who is a piece of shit. Because he hooks up with the chick that his best friend fancied. As if that isnt enough, he goes of to bang some chick he does not even like afterwards. But karma is a bitch, cuz the psycho bitch lures him into her car and drives off a cliff and dies. Our piece of shit hero on the other hand wakes up with a messed up face. What goes around comes around if u ask me.  Our rich asshole of a guy ruins his chances with the hot chick now ofcourse, cuz not only does he look like a peperonni pizza, he is also abnoxious. But with his mooloz he pays a damn load of doctors to fix his face. OR DOES HE?!

Suddently the whole movie is a psycologic experience or whatever they call it. Shit stops making sense, then it makes sense again and then it doesnt make sense before it all makes sense. Just like fight club and memento and all that stuff.

I must say, I enjoyed this movie even though it was gloomy and psychotraumatic? I mean I have tons of dreams where I wake up and have the face of a duck or whatever and to watch exactly that shit happening to the guy in the movie made my backhairs stand up like pablo fransisco. The worst friggin parts are where he thinks he is fixed and then he isnt but then he is and no one actually knows if his face is messed up at all or if its just something in his head(through most of the movie he wears a mask).

I do recall getting bored at certain parts of the movie though. But the ending was awesome when everything was “clear”. Not that much was clear actually. And I just must spoil that he suddently wakes up in the future (yes this movie is that messed up), but we never get to see the damn future cuz the movie ends. We never get to see any of the fancy technology or anything. Damn you movie!

 

I give it 3,5 tacos out of 4?

 

I was looking at some of my ratings and they are unbalanced. Dunno if Im being way to nice against some movies. anyway…

1001 movies you must see before you die – When Harry met Sally (1989)

4 letters. BLEH! I mean.. no..BLEH!!

I am sure this is a very amusing movie for girls that enjoy eating ice cream after their daily twilight reading and other species of creatures that get impressed by love stories. This guy cathces a ride with this chick where they are driving from Chicago to New York to start studiying. On their way they ..or the guy to be more presise, says that a chick and a guy cannot be friends becouse they always end up doing it. Wich ofcourse is, entirely true (have that in mind next time your girlfriend or boyfriend goes to a friendly friend time with their opposite sex friend ololol). So yeah, they get to new york and split their ways, get married, get jobs and what not. One million years later they meet again in an airport where the guy is seperating from his wife. So the chick and the guy become friends because they go all like: Oh my god I remember you we took a ride together and shit wotot (by the way the chick is all the time like, omg I hate you guy leave me alone. She almost made me belive that she actually didnt like him for a second). So alright, they become friends, and whenever someone comments they go like NONO WE ARE FRIENDS LOL. Then…..GUESS…just GUESS… cmon… guessed yet?….alright I will wait a little bit longer.. so hey did anyone see the last south park episode? It’s kinda c..ah you are done guessing? Well you guessed right. They hook up. So much for that friendship. So since they hook up we are now in the typical of the typical romantic comedy story. YES they hook up, yes we see a montage, yes the guy fucks up or atleast the chick becomes unhappy with the guys actions and yes he fixes it up right before the end. I don’t quite remember if they get married or not at the end but hell, it doesnt even matter.

 

I give it 3 avarages out of 5 avarages.

1001 movies you must watch before you die – The Princess Bride (1987)

Now THIS is a cool movie I must say! This movie made me laugh more than all the supposedly funny bullshit we get today. Also it made my heart warm and cozy. It …it awakened the pussy in me. But it’s ok, because this movie is beautiful and it should awaken the pussy in everyone.

So ok. The movie starts with a grandpa reading a book to his grandson. The book (and also the movie) is about two lovers getting separated. And like the chick thinks that  (damn its long time ago I saw this I must say) her boyfriend is dead because he goes somewhere and never returns.. (war I think).. So she gets married with this abnoxious guy… a king or whatever. ANYWAY – the fun stuff starts when she gets abducted by 3 clowns. One of them a giant, another one some awesome swords guy wanting to kill his fathers killer and one big mouthed fat midget who is also the boss around there. Now these guys are god damn funny. So the chicks boyfriend returns as a pirate to rescue her from those guys (btw he is pissed because the damn bitch managed to get married in the meantime). Turns out the sword guy and the gentle giant arent that bad after all (the boss however is asshole enough to get killed). And this is what got me, I just LOVE movies where the villians arent that bad and they gradually become friends with the hero. Like ice age where diego is the bad guy to start with but then becomes friends with the rest. Uh… what was I saying? Ah yeah.. so the pirate, the gentle giant and the sword guy have to rescue the chick again unfortunately because thats what princesses do. Along the way a lot of awesome shit happens (this being in a fantasy universe, we get screaming fishes and all kinda crap. There were huge rats too I think).

I give it 5 screaming sharks or whatever that was out of 5 screaming sharks or whatever that was.

Btw, I have no idea why this is in the book other than being hell a entertaining.

 

EDIT: THEY WERE EELS! SCREAMING EELS! EEEEWWW

1001 movies you must see before you die – E.T the extra -terrestrial (1982)

Oh boy it is ages ago I wrote in here last (not that anyone reads this), and oh boy have I seen a shitloads of movies since then. One of them is E.T. The cute and cuddly alien dinosaurmonkey thing that melted Americas heart with his wrinkled creepy fingers. Mainly because Americans are kinda stupid (no offense lol). So yeah… it wasnt all that damn special, and I think I saw the version where the guns are replaced with walkie talkies wich by the way is super duper lame.

Lets see now.. how did it go.. Ah yes. A monkey dinosaur creature is in earth with his parents. Then the parent monkey dinosaurs ditch the main monkey dinosaur. And then a kid finds E.T (lets just refer to the monkey dinosaur as E.T from now on because I am getting tired of writing that). Anyway so yeah he finds E.T and a whole lot of funny family friendly events happen (E.T drinking beer, the kid getting drunk) untill ofcourse we get to the obligatoric down moment every family movie has. E.T nearly dies because..well hell who would not after months in this shitty planet of ours. But before he dies, his parents come get him and stuff because he phones home with a super special phone that he builds of an umbrella and some foil paper…and some forks I think.

I wasnt that impressed with the movie apart from the awesome animations on the alien (still think it was some sort of a remake I saw). It was juuust another uber typical family movie with ups and downs and friggin kids everywhere. The reason for this might be that I saw it straight after dawn of the dead but.. who knows. ZOMBIES RUULE!

But I must say, I was amused like hell by the phone home and bike scene.

 

I give it 3 dinosaur monkeys out of 5.

1001 movies – Fantasia (1940)

As far as the plot goes, there is none. We get served 8 mini stories (some of them are very abstract so you will have to use your imagination) made in good old hand made animation. None of that 3d bull crap. As far as the dialogue goes, there is none. It is a motion picture where if the music does not complete the animation then the animation completes the music.

It’s presented as a recording of a live performance as a live orchestra is playing the tunes that’s in the … motion picture (can I even say movie on this one?). So yeah, that is whats awesome about it. I cant believe how skilled those musicians were not to mention how magic that animations that the animators made were, driven only by pure imagination (and a shitload of skill of course).

They managed to capture the atmosphere of the event very nicely, there is even a scene(?) of a guy tripping on his instrument as the main narrator guy explains whats gonna go on next. I am sure that wasn’t supposed to happen? And there is another shot where the orchestra starts jamming a funky beat as they are tuning before the another part of the performance starts.

So what we get served is visual music and audiotive animation for 2 hours with some explainings n shizzle in between. Pretty damn awesome if you ask me.

The slightly annoying part is that the narrator guy explained EVERYTHING that was going to happen on each part of the performance (yes I prefer that word now instead of movie or motion picture). Yes very nice for us who don’t wanna be startled by any possible surprises or anything.

I give it 4 Mickey Mouse (Mickey Mouse is owned by Disney please don’t sue me.) hats out of 5.

Does anyone get an impression they cannot help about that something about Walt Disney is evil?

1001 movies – Top Gun (1986)

What a huge pile off shit. This movie is about Tom Cruise as he is in his testosterone filled flight school and he does a lot of shit and the movie uses all the 80ies cliches you can think of, Tom rides this ridiculous bike and there is even a friggin scene where half naked men play volleyball for like 5 minutes. To be honest I didn’t really catch what the story was all about cuz I was too busy staring at Toms overgrown hugeass tooth. But at some point his friend dies and he hooks up with the chick. Badabing badaboom game over.
What pissed me extra off was all the fucking plain talk, as if the audience is gonna understand two shits of that. Shut up movie!

So I think it is in the book because it was the first 100% testosterone filled bullshit movie ever or someshit. And also all the plain shots (there is a looot of them).

Oh yeah, AMERICAA FUCK YEAAH.

I give it 0 oh god Tom is so stupid signs out of 5.

You can watch the parody – don’t remember its name.

1001 movies – American Beauty (1999)

Oh boooy did I love this one. It has the typical quality that movies in late 90ties used to have that you just find in newer bullshit movies.

Movie is about Lester Burnham (the guy that played Keyser Soze in Usual Suspects) who is the father of a family living the American dream I guess. They do not lack any items and are supposed to be happy but they are not – so the main morale is that some moolaz aren’t everything.

So anyway, the wife is crazy and the daughter is a bitch our hero Lester falls in love with his daughters hotass friend. So he kinda dedicates his time to become fit n shit to maybe just maybe get laid with her. -Because he is having a midlife crisis I guess.

At the meantime the new neighbors are equally messed up. We got the creepy friggin boy who likes to film everfriggin thing and smokes more pot than Norway smokes salmon, we got his equally messed up mom who never really says anything because she is traumatized by her even more messed up military, gay hating husband (there is a twist related to him, guess what).

Actually there is a lot of twists in the movie and it is beautifully directed and acting owns. We love it.

I give it 5 hot chicks in a rose filled bathtub out of 5!

1001 movies – Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Dawn of the dead is another zombie movie from the father of good zombie movies George A. Romero. It is disgusting, creepy and disgusting, so everything a good zombie movie requires is present. But we also find elements like love, action and drama, even some comedy. So there is a piece for every pie lover in this one.

Movie is about the world getting overrun by the walking dead again as our heroes (some guys and a useless and by gods testicles I mean USELESS chick – that is pregers on top of everything, god she pissed me off) find shelter in a big ass mall that is filled with food that is immune to expiration and every other thing anyone would ever want. They live in the mall for like 6 months or something before a gang of bikers come and fuck everything up.

What is good about this movie is what it represents. So what do we have here, it is a mall filled with brainless creatures that wander around (sound familiar?) – that happens to be wanting to consume your brains this time (well it is after all a horror movie).

What is the other main group of beings in the movie? Oh they are consumers too. They feast on all the items in their precious mall – not giving a fuck about the world outside where hell is lose. (sound familiaaaarr?)  So yes. That is what I love about the movie. I absolutely hate that all the characters are USELESS. As I mentioned, the chick specially. She will just sit down and watch as one of the guys get eaten in slow motion by a zombie that is still moving in slow motion. Yes the guy sucks too for allowing himself to get in that situation, how hard is it to just… gah I mean they are acting so freakishly stiff! It’s like telling a rich American 16 year old girl to tie a boat knot. They are so disoriented and … you will just have to see it to get what I mean. It is just annoying.

I guess that’s how they needed to act to make the slow motion zombie concept work. In newer zombie movies the zombies are faster, probably to avoid this akward kind of acting.

I give the movie 4 intestines out of 5.

1001 movies – Life of Brian (1979)

Movie is about Brian a fella that gets born the same day as Jesus. And is mainly about this guy trying to rebel against the Romans that… hang around in Jerusalem I guess before he gets crucified at the end where no one bothers to rescue him.

The movie consists of a series of funnyass sketches that makes you giggle evenly trough the entire movie. One thing I specially liked was when they were criticizing religion by showing dumbass people thinking that everything Brian did was some sort of a sign and where they fought and made sub branches of ”Brians religion” as a result of interpreting small bagatelles differently. Just like in real life.

All in all Life of Brian was a nice refreshment from all the gloomy movies I watched lately. Some of the sketches were silly as hell but I had my silly glasses on so they bass. I give it 4 silly crosses out of 5.

1001 movies – Groundhog Day (1993)

It’s groundhog day! It’s groundhog day! It’s groundhog day!

Movie is about the grumpy weatherman Phil played by Bill Murray who goes to some little town to witness the groundhog day where they predict if the winter is gonna be long or short by seeing if a Groundhog (also called Phil) sees its own shadow or not. Bill Phill does not like this town and he cant wait until tomorrow comes so he can get the hell out of there. But by some unexplained supernatural event tomorrow never comes. He relives the same day over and over.

Now we have seen this kinda thing before, but not actually. Because apparently this movie invented it. But still you have seen it and this is how it is built up.

1. Confusion. Bill goes: Omg wtf, it mus have been a dream or something. Alright lets just re live this day again then.

2. Bill understands that something is up and thinks about the situation.

3.This is the part where he starts taking advantage of the situation. He realizes that nothing he does has any consequences and starts doing whatever he wants.  (and this ALWAYS includes making out with an old lady for some reason).

4. Then they get tired of it and start hating everything and everyone and begin being a dick against everything.

5. When they have a change of heart and start being veeery nice to everyone.

and then the movie gets very good. He starts trying to take suicide and goes extremely nuts. This part I enjoyed.

the next part I also enjoyed. This is when he realizes that he has all the time in the world to improve as a person. Now this is one of the key things we look for in a movie, the asshole character to develop, to change. This part the movie has covered very nicely and even though I’ve seen a lot of it from before I still liked it.

other things that is always in this kinda movies is: The pool or the edge or something that they keep hitting everyday until at the end they stop because they know its there and they guy that they threat like shit everyday but then they threat him nice at the end.

A major part in the movie is when Phil tries to hook up with this chick, and he tries over and over in various ways and every day he starts over again as everyday the thoughts of the chick about Phil resets. Even though I hate this kinda thing and I’ve seen it before it was still a very ok part of the movie.

One more thing: I just love Bill Murrays voice.

and I love paranormal movies from the 90′s where none of the paranormal events are explained.

I give it 4,5 groundhogs named Phil out of 5.